Beware - Danger is lurking in your backyard
78Help!!!
I am sitting in the closet as I write this. I only hope to get the warning out to everybody else before it is too late for them. I don’t have much time. I fear my last few minutes of life are coming to an end. I just hope my experience will help you be better prepared. I was not. I only wish someone else out there would have warned me.
I know when my death hits the news stands, it will be a cover up. So don’t listen to the media. This is the truth. I want you to know what really happened. Yet, the government will try to hide this to avoid the outbreak and the riots. They will try to make you believe what happened to me was an accident. They don’t want you to know the truth.
Everybody is so afraid of the zombie apocalypse, yet, I have found something far more dangerous than any zombie I have ever encountered. The danger is lurking right in your backyard! If you are not prepared for this danger, you might find yourself in the same position I am in right now.
As I sit here, the only light coming from my laptop, I wonder if I will be able to use the entire 1 hour and 50 minutes before my laptop battery finally dies. That is when my connection to the world will be cut off. That is, if I even make it that far. I can hear the sounds of feet stampeding around in the lower level of my house. They are scavenging and they are plotting the end of my life. My husband is already gone. They got to him first. You see, he didn’t heed the warnings. I will be next. I wasn’t careful enough. I wasn’t fully prepared. I hope you are.
A couple of weeks ago, I came across this book. It told me all the information I needed to prevent this attack. Yet, I laughed at it. I thought it was a farce. A joke. Something that would never happen to me. I know now I was wrong. I didn’t believe them, and here I am, in the middle of an attack. I am using the last moments of my life to warn you. I only hope that I can finish.
Check your surroundings
Be watchful for the footprints
Assess
I want you to be prepared. So I want you to carefully look around and assess your situation. This is not to be ignored. It might save your life. I did not do this and look were I am right now. Sitting in a closet hoping I can type this warning up fast enough to warn you.
Look at your surroundings! I am going to throw out a few factors that will up your risk levels.
- You live in a suburban or rural house.
- Your house sits on a secluded, wooded acreage.
- You live alone.
- You follow a strict routine, making it easy to predict your comings and goings.
These factors will easily set you up for attack. If you fit two or more of these factors, you are “high risk” and you will need to take action now. I would tell you to stop everything you are doing so you can go out and get supplies and prepare to defend yourself, but I am going to insist you finish reading this. Maybe it can save you; I know it is too late for me.
Other things you need to be aware of is suspicious activity. Have you noticed footprints in the flowerbeds outside your house? Do you seem to lose stuff easily? Maybe you didn’t, maybe it has been moved. Do you having this feeling you are being watched? Do you have animals and suddenly their behavior is a little on the crazy side? If you have noticed this stuff around your house… your time is coming soon.
Do you have a dog?
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This is the part where you stand up and scream, “I am ready!”
Well, first, you need to set up some useful tactics to make sure you and your family will survive if you ever become a victim of this type of attack. But ultimately, when you have been cornered, you need to fight back and you need to be ready. Don’t sit there and let them win. Go get the tools to make sure you are protected. And do it right away, before it is too late.
Some of these techniques will seem stupid, but stay with me. They have helped in the past; they will probably help in the future. The least dangerous of these activities is to dig a moat around your house. You don’t want to be left vulnerable. Therefore, if there is only one access point, the likelihood of you not being able to defend it is low. However, building a moat might prove to be time consuming. If they notice you doing this, they might even attack before you finish. Therefore, building a moat is also a very dangerous tactic.
This might be a little easier, but will prove to be just as dangerous if you are not paying attention. Dig several holes in the ground and cover them up. Before you are attacked, you are hoping these little holes will ultimately trap your attacker. However, if you forgot about your defense, you might have also put yourself in more danger. One wrong step and you will have sprained or broken your ankle. This will lessen your chances of being able to run for freedom.
There are other options too. You need to decide for yourself whether these are good options or too time consuming. I am just going to quickly list them because I don’t know how much time I have. You could also make quicksand, spread poison on the ground, install motion detecting lights, or just invest in a big dog. All of those will offer you extra protection. They will not guarantee your survival, but it is better than nothing at all!
And you don’t want to forget the inside of your house either. While ideally you want to keep them out, if they do come in, you want to know how. Check all the access points into your house. Make sure they are secure. In addition, make sure you can use these access points to quickly escape if needed. After all, you don’t want to be like me, sitting in a closet just waiting for them to come!
Office Supplies - who knew they could save your life
More information
Defend
These are the utmost important skills to learn if you are ever up against an attack. This could save your life. Even something that seems as easy as jumping out a first story window can become difficult in the heat of the moment. I did not practice this. I am afraid it is why I am in my current situation.
I also didn’t memorize the layout of my house and make sure the clutter was picked up every night to avoid unnecessary injuries. My foot is killing me after stepping on one of my son's car toys. I almost fell and broke my tailbone. Luckily, I caught my balance, and even though the light bulbs have all been destroyed, I was able to arm myself with a few unknown weapons. I found a cable belonging to my Ipod that works really good as a whip, and a pen, which will not cause death, but will slow them down in their tracks.
So, if you want to be prepared, make sure to follow my advice. Know your house and keep it clean. Also, keep a mental list of those unusual objects that would make good weapons. You never know when you will need one. They should be small and easy to work with. You don’t want to be carrying a chair over your head. That would cut down your speed. Kitchen utensils and office supplies make handy weapons just in case. Now remember that - it might save your life.
Apply
When the unthinkable happens, it is now time to apply your tactics. And believe me, if they know you have read this, the chances of you being attacked will happen sooner than later. However, be happy, because at least you will be prepared. Now stop praying for your life and just start thinking. Some have survived. Hopefully you will too.
Now that you are ready
- Stay calm and remember your training
- Quickly assess your confinement
- Whatever you do, do it quickly
- Get you’re a@@ out of there (from my experience, hiding in a closet is definitely not a smart idea!)
If the time has come, you need to be confident that you will survive. The quickest way to be defeated is to do nothing at all. If you are going down, at least you went down fighting.
It's the end of the world as we know it!
Crazy in a Hub
The time has come
I feel I have done my job, and have given you enough of a warning to be somewhat prepared. However, if you do need more information, feel free to do further research by reading “How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack” by Chuck Sambuchino. I was too late. I was not prepared nearly fast enough. If I would have read this book earlier, I wouldn’t be in the predicament I am in right now.
My laptop battery is slowly coming to the end. But I don’t think it really matters anymore. They are upstairs now. I peaked out and everything is trashed. There is no one left to help me. They will be here soon.
I can hear them right outside the door. My time is coming to an end. I just hope I gave you enough insight to help yourself. Now is the time to fight. And for God’s sake, don’t set yourself up to be a victim. I don’t care how cute they look. Don’t ever purchase a Garden Gnome. And if you already have one, be prepared to defend yourself when those nasty lawn warriors strike, because they will.
They have taken my family and I am next… please tell my story so others too can be warned.
I am scared. They are scratching at the door. I fear goodbye is coming soon. So please, heed my warning and……….
*************************************
They are coming to get you!
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I hate you... fyi... but in all honesty this was great :-) I knew it was going to be a laughable item at the end but you still had me getting freaked out about zombies. I hate zombies! Still very creative and imaginative. I guess a little tiny whip would work huh... lol.
I enjoyed reading this hub, who knew garden nomes were something to fear...
Thanks for the chuckle.
Always be prepaired. Mike
@Just Ask Susan - I ran across the book in Spencers a few weeks back. It was $15 and I wasn't sure if I should waste my money for some kind of farce. A week after, I had to go back and get it. I was just too curious. I never knew they were a threat and I actually like Garden Gnomes. Can't wait for Gnomeo and Juliet to come out. But - will that put me at increased risk as well. ;)
@Mythical - Ha ha - I know you hate zombies - but really - I wasn't talking about zombies... of course I wasn't clear on that until I got to the end... ha ha - I couldn't resist. It was so much fun to write!
@Teddletonmr - I know right! Here we thought garden gnomes were all just cute and friendly. Now make sure you warn your neighbors. Especially if you have a bunch that like to collect them. The bigger the group of garden gnomes - th more danger you will be in!
Although after reading this - you will at least be a little better prepared... lol
I knew you weren't talking bout zombies... but the way you made it suspenseful allowed for my mind to think of whatever it might be. Which for me is Zombies. Yuck!
Frickin' love THIS!!! I hate those sneaky, creepy little things. Caramus and I have more office supplies than anyone has a right to, so we should be fine! Up, useful, awesome, and funny!
I have been saying for years Barbergirl that there is a secret coalition of Garden Gnomes that live in a cave in the most secret of mountains that plot against me and just me.They are The Coalition Against Ben, and they are very evil critters.Well written and very entertaining indeed.
Ha ha. This was very good. I have been listening to the radio today and they have been talking about the end of the world. I had to keep reading. I thought thats what this might be. Very good. lol
Lesley
@Mythical - Ha ha - I had to make it suspenseful so when every body got to the end they were thinking... seriously - garden gnomes - who would have thought! LOL But now that you know better it is all good! LOL
@MO - I am glad to hear that you have an overabundance of office supplies. Just think - that broken stapler you were going to throw out could come in really handy as a bludgening tool... LOL.
@Benjamin - I am glad to know that I am not alone. I didn't realize they hid in the mountains though... I thought they were hiding in my backyard. That makes me feel much safer. Then again - maybe they have several different gathering points. I will keep my eyes peeled. However, at least now you know how to tackle the situation when CAB takes effect.
@Lesley - I have to say - it was good timing since there is a good portion of people thinking that the world is coming to an end. It wasn't on purpose though. Garden Gnomes will not wait until the end of the world. They will attack at anytime. Glad you enjoyed the read though ;)
You really had me going! Great stuff. Up and funny.
Thank you very much. I was pretty stoked about keeping everybody at the edge of their seats only too find out it was about garden gnomes. However, in today's world you can never be too careful. :)
BBG.....very clever....I didn't know where you were going with this but you did a great job. Fun hub as always. I got my comedic relieve. LOL
@Marellen - I am glad that you enjoyed it. I read the book and I could help but share. It was a quick and funny read and very inspirational... well in terms of being able to write something off of it! LOL
They are comming and they have gazing ball bombs! I took my little one to gnomeo and juliet and she loved it but I like your storie better.
I really want to see gnomeo and juliet - it comes out next week and I am super super excited. However, I don't think they will do much harm since they are digital. I think watching them on TV is much easier!
Oh yeah - and my story is PG 13 - definatly wouldn't recommend it for the younguns ;)
OMG, You had my heart racing out of control! This was the first thing I read when I woke up on my phone, So my first thought was the end of the world is really happening..LOL... Then I thought why the heck is she writing if she is in danger...lol I loved this , very creative. rated up and funny!
BBG - I thought you would be more prepared for this! So you tossed out the husband and one kid after the next to save yourself, eh? Good idea! You should have gotten your a@@ out of there! Lol
Or maybe you should have had more kids! Hahaha it's like a shark knife for divers. It's way too small to kill a shark, but you can stab your dive buddy and get away!
Never swim alone!
Austin - I don't think BBG should go diving until she gets into Advanced Guppy class!
Good tip - I never thought of the shark bait factor! I should have had more kids! I could always adopt.
Seriously - people shouldn't swim alone! Or take photos of approaching tsunami waves either!
Real, that's the best advice I've seen in a long time - the tsunami thing I mean. People are dumb. Not you, me, Stacy, Lela, and a few select others - but the rest of the world. You know. ;-)
I have two very lazy garden gnomes. They just sit there. No action at all. Bummer.
I see a garden gnome is a must have. I won't rest until I own one. I hope I get a naughty one!
ALL garden gnomes are naughty, Real. Hence their wicked little faces and all the chaos that goes on in the garden when no one is looking!
Austin, they don't. They become active at night when you aren't looking. Trust me on this. ;-)
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Thanks for the laugh. Loved the lead up of zombies. The gnomes were the perfect touch. Rated up and funny. You are so clever.
Thank gnoodness, I read this warning hub in time. I was actually thinking of purchasing a gnarden gnome or two even though I have no gnarden. Now I gknow that would be a gnhastly mistake. Thanks barbergirl for the gnifty gnews.
So much fun, thank you! I have found gnomes to be creepy for years and this totally tickles my funny bone. Well done!
Hi, BBG, I must be in a alternate plane of existence, just a bit confused... Does this have anything to do with the May 21 doomsday prediction?
@Babbling Diva - lucky we didn't have to be prepared for the end of the world. The gnomes never got me. However, it was kind of ironic that I published this just in time for what people expected to be the rapture. Either that was beneficial for traffic or I did a fantastic job of nonplanning. I am glad this had you on the edge of your seat.
@Real - Ahhhh the things we have to do to survive... lol - I was amazed at how I really wasn't prepared eithere. However, if their is a zombie apocalypse - I can guarantee I will not be in the same position! LOL
By the way - I think I am a little obsessed with gnomes right now too... I am on a search for one. One day - I will have them... lol
@Austin - I will definately never swim alone - unless of course I can't find anybody to swim with me. If that is the case - I will just stay away from the shark infested waters ;)
Oh yeah - and if you already have 2 lazy gnomes - you never know when they will wake up and start moving. I think you have time for the moat! ;)
@Mo - I was wondering if you have survelliance tapes of the gnomes running around the garden at night... that would be a great kicker to this if we actually have proof. After reading the book - I am not sure if that is possible. After all, they try to destroy any kind of electrical device, cameras, camcorders, that could prove evidence.
@KoffeKlatch - I love zombies... I think if there is a way, the should be mentioned in almost all articles. However, I don't think most people would agree with me on that statement, so I try to leave them out and lurking in the background. I am glad you enjoyed this!
@drbj - Good thing you got gknow the gdangers of garden gnomes otherwise you could have been in grave gdanger. We would ghate to see anything ghappen to you because be glove your gwriting so much! :)
@Dearabbysmom - I am glad that I was able to confirm your suspicions on garden gnomes. Now you won't feel bad about passing them by! LOL
@Credence2 - Nope, this has nothing to do with the May 21st doomsday. I was just laughing so hard at the book I read and it just happened to have awesome timing on posting this because everybody is looking into May 21st. So don't worry, hopefully garden gnomes will not be the end of the world. :)
LOL - too too funny; didn't know what the 'punchline' would be. Thank you for the chuckle, and for sharing...
@C-Bless - I am glad it gave you a chuckle. It was hard to not blurt out the punchline write off the bat... especially for all the tips against defending against something you aren't even aware of. I think it worked out good. I am glad you got a good laugh out of it!
Lots of fun BBG! I do not like gnomes. I used to date someone who (I found out a bit later) liked gnomes. That party didn't last too long.
@Sharyn - It is definately a good thing you got out of that relationship. Can you imagine the danger you would be in right now! :) It was funny when I came across that book - I just had to get it because I was so intrigued by it. It was a fast read, so not sure if I got my money out of it, but it definately was entertaining!
You really got me going there! Glad you survived, but I've always been suspicious of Garden gnomes, something about their enigmatic smile!
They sure got a creepy smile. and the best thing is... my suspicions were confirmed by that movie Gnomio and Juliet! But I feel alot safer now cause I know they like to sing Elton John songs... therefore, as long as I don't hear Elton John music - I feel pretty safe!
Very much enjoyed your writing style! Voted up for sure.
Thank you kentuckyslone. I appreciate your support!
You are correct. I had to dig deep into your hubs to find this jewel...yes...the government is attempting to cover this up.
I must confess...I was unaware that this was even a flank that needed covering...you have saved my life. Now...according to Chinese tradition...you are responsible for me (I will send you the necessary paperwork).
The pink wrapped fruitcake...could it be possible?? Could...could...the Garden Gnomes be sending it?? And if so...does that mean that Aunt Gert...was a Garden Gnome? The family pictures...would suggest yes.
@ThoughtSandwhiches - I am afraid, I am not allowed to answer these questions, but I think you might be onto something. However, if we discuss this into too much depth, we might uncover something that will have us running for our lives... maybe the garden gnomes, but maybe something far more treacherous!
Fortunately, I did do a search for Garden gnomes and fruit cakes and came up blank. Is it a possibilty - sure, but there is no suggested research as of yet. Glad I could save your life though!!! Now you owe me! ;)
If you look in the Garden
Right, right, right...I'm taking the battery out of my cellphone right now! Do things actually need to be alive and grow...to be classified as a garden....oh Aunt Gert...why have thou art forsaken me...??
Ah... you will never know the danger out there that you have been subjected too... just keep your eyes peeled and warn people. Don't let them buy garden gnomes and definately keep the fruit cakes at a safe distance... just to be on the safe side!
Zombie Garden Gnomes would be the worst.
@nicomp - oh no... I foresee a whole new danger now! LOL
this is so funny. You really had me going.. I could not imagine what in the world was going on. love your story.. still laughing..
debbie
Here I thought this was a hub about intruders breaking into your house; little did I know what kind of intruders! The ending was just too funny. Voted up, funny and awesome! :)
I am so glad that you were able to warn us about these evil creatures....I now know how to protect my family and I from them! LOL
Great!!!
Too funny :) I had a few things going through my mind that you could have been talking about, but never saw the gnomes coming lol! I personally do not like gnomes, now I know why haha
2 years ago, my gnomes just up and disappeared from my yard... perhaps they found no intelligent life in my home (thank goodness we're safe).
Hi, so funny! lol! I wondered who it was coming to get you! this reminds me of the time I got a bit squiffed drinking too much at the pub, and the next morning I woke up to find a gnome in my handbag! haha! somehow it got there from the pub garden! I took it back and the landlord thought it was hilarious! thinking about it, maybe the gnome was going to get me too! hee hee! definitely rated up and shared! well, we have to be careful!
How funny. I just threw a gnome away yesterday, freaked me out a little. Great Hub!
LOL--nicely done! After the zombie reference, I wasn't quite sure what the actual threat would be. Hee hee hee... We don't have any of those guys outdoors, but there is a small selection of them in our ceramics inventory--unfinished, of course. Hopefully, they don't take life before they are painted... ... just sayin'
Voted up & funny
This is a great story. You had me too up until the end. A good warning in your story too.
I didn't expect Garden Gnomes to be to be the enemy, I was expecting some sort of armed and dangerous burglars. Very funny and enjoyable hub. Voted up - funny/awesome.
Hah! Nice & refreshing to see this instead of grim news on Yahoo
so glad it was gnomes instead of zombies...
@debbie - Glad I got you going... keep on laughing!
@ThePracticalMommy - These are definately the sneakiest of all intrudors... Keep your eyes peeled! :)
@justateacher - I am glad I was able to get the warning out before it was too late. Just remember, you can easily protect yourself in your yard... but make sure your neighbors don't keep those pesky intruders around either! ;)
@Dawn Conklin - Ah... yes, the possiblilities are endless. And those gnomes... they are sneaky. Glad you found out the reasons why you have never liked them!
@shea duane - They just up and disappeared? Have you checked your closets, attic or basement? Well, I hope they left on their own accord and glad to hear that your family is safe! :)
@Nell Rose - That sneaky little bugger caught a rid home with you. Luckily you caught him before it was too late and returned him before anything serious happened. Seriously though - that is a great story! Loved it!
@kelleyward - I am proud of you.. keep throwing those gnomes away. Just make sure you put them in a box and then seal the bag tight. You dont' want those little buggers escaping! :)
@DzyMsLizzy - Oh my - I never even thought about ceramic inventory before. I am not sure what will happen there. I hope they don't come alive before they are painted. But for safety's sake, they should go in a separate spot - preferably with a lock and key. Glad you enjoyed this!
@mljdgulley354 - Thanks for stopping by. Glad to see I kept you guessing all the way to the end. Now don't forget the warning. You never know when it will come in handy! ;)
@jacqui2011 - It is a toss up which one would be worse... I am going for the garden gnomes. I think they are much sneakier. And being small helps them to go unnoticed. LOL Glad you enjoyed this!
@jcales - Thank you so much. That really made my day! :)
@PDX - If your ever under a garden gnome attack I am not sure you would be saying the same thing. Those little guys are so fast, they are under foot in a blink of an eye! ;)
This was funny! I knew that it was going to be a spoof and I was waiting to hear that it was an invasion of the ants (because of the moat) or some other such thing, but they you had me stymied because of being able to fight them off with old pens. Would take some steady aiming to squash an ant at a time with the tip of a pen. Haha! Glad I don't have any garden gnomes lurking about! Will share with others who may wish to have a good laugh today. :)
What a wonderful find this article has been! I am now concerned about the loose and unaccounted for gnomes that threaten us all!
@Peggy - Ants?? Ha ha - that is funny... especially my mental picture of squashing ants with a pen now. Well I am glad that I had you stumped and I am glad that you got a good laugh today. Thanks for sharing with others so they too can get a good laugh!
@Xenonlit - You should be concerned... you just never know if you are in danger ;)
Had to mark this as funny and voted up!
Ha! This reads like an episode of The Twilight Zone. Well done! :)
Small world,for one I live in Hemet, and two I am friends with Chuck on Facebook ( though I still need to buy his gnome attack book) Great article
@Marla - Thank you for stopping by. Glad it gave you a good laugh! :)
@alipuckett - OMG - wouldn't that be just a great Twilight Zone episode! ha ha - glad you enjoyed it!
@rtburroughs2 - Yes it is a small world. Luckily, the garden gnome attack didn't happen in Hemt - it was in Riverside! ha ha. Thanks for stopping by - glad you enjoyed it!
Survival skills!
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Just Ask Susan Level 8 Commenter 12 months ago
I have been waiting to see where you were going with a post you put on FaceBook about garden gnomes and now I know. LMAO!!! This was really good.