Drive-By Puking... Victim or Perpetrator

Puking. Vomiting. Blowing Chunks. Lunch revisted. Bowing down to the porcelain god. Burpin solid. Upchuck. Ejecting a stomach. Tossing your cookies. Launching your lunch. Meal to go. Oral Diarrhea. Redecorating the bathroom. Yak!

That is just a few ways to say emptying your stomach. I know, because I looked up all the synonyms and there are 339 of them! Either way, head the warning. This hub will have your stomach churning as you mindfully think about the last time you waxed the floor with a wet burp.

Now, if you are coming across this article because the topic of puking actually intrigues you… well, who am I to really judge! After all, I am writing this disgusting article purely off the inspiration presented to me by fellow hubber’s comments that went a little astray in a hub I was following. Although, if you make it through this hub, there will be an award at the end!

Vomiting is a natural part of human existence. There is baby vomit - that for some odd reason adults actually find cute. There is also just straight out sick puking. Then, once you get a little older, there is also alcohol induced heaving!

However, this is a hub about drive-by puking. Something that has claimed numerous victims; the perpetrator often times running away in shame as they have cause this foul offensive crime. Only the next day, they wake up not even knowing they are the guilty party.

This is probably one of the least offensive drive-by puking scenes I will discuss. The main reason is because the guilty party is ashamed, but they can do absolutely nothing about it. Unfortunately for them, they will also remember it the next day.

Due to my direct honesty, I will admit, this is a true story… and I am the main character!

I found out I was pregnant with my first child in a strange and unusual way. I can almost guarantee, most people don’t get the news I do when they attempt to get their wisdom teeth pulled out. Because I have a natural intolerance to pain (and noise), the dentist decided it would be best to put me under while pulling out my wisdom teeth. This was only after the first attempt, when the grinding of my teeth and my nerves acting up caused me to yak all over the dentist. What can I say… if you got your fist touching my gag reflex, you better hope I didn’t go to Burger King and get a yummy breakfast croissant for fear I wouldn’t be able to eat for a few days. Definitely, not one of my smartest decisions!

That is how I found out that I was pregnant. They would not put me under without a pregnancy test. So, they made me take one. Guess what? I was pregnant! From that point on I was sick. I am not really sure how this works, especially since I wasn’t sick at all beforehand. But the instant I found out I was pregnant, I had morning sickness every day, all day long, until she was born!

My sickness was so bad, it really didn’t matter what I ate… it was pretty much guaranteed to come right back up. This meant I could indulge in at least 2 Big Macs from McDonalds every day. It wasn’t really me who wanted it; it was the baby growing inside of me. Don’t judge!

Of course, this little problem also meant I couldn’t go anywhere without tossing my cookies either. It got so bad that one day when I was driving, I could not hold it anymore, and was forced to roll down my window and aim outside. There was not enough time to stop and pull over to the side of the road. It just came on so suddenly. It was at that time, I was a perpetrator for a Drive-by Puking!

From then on, I decided it would be best if I carried a bucket around with me. It was with me everywhere I went for the 9 months. Some days I made it to a toilet, most days I used this bucket. It did however keep me from doing more Drive-by Puking.

This is probably the most common kind of Drive-by Puking. After all, when a person overconsumes alcohol, they start to lose their ability to control themselves. This may lead to stupid comments, bad joke telling, crazy dance skills, or the ability to fall in love with anyone and everyone.

“I love you, man!”

“No, man! It is I who love you!”

“I just didn’t realize until now how much I love you!”

“I know… I really love you!”

Unfortunately, this also means you may be a victim… or the perpetrator… of a Drive-by Puking.

Fortunately, I have never been a victim. However, my carelessness and stupidity, has caused others to be unexpected victims of a Drive-by Puking.

The first incident happened when I was much younger and dumber. I was on a first date… if you could even call it that. We more or less went out as friends, with mutual ability to flirt because neither of us were attached to anybody else. With excessive amounts of alcohol, the scene becomes funnier and very much alcohol induced. We attempted to play darts… none of which actually hit the board. We attempted to sit on bar stools… which in our condition was very difficult.

He was older than me and had a lot more weight, so he could handle his alcohol a little better. I tried to keep up. I did keep up, even though the world kept dancing around me. Finally, it was time to head home. He was driving, I was the passenger. (Another alcohol induced symptom - getting in a vehicle with a drunk person behind the wheel! I don’t approve of drunk driving, but at the time, I didn’t think much of it!)

I get carsick pretty easy, and with a body full of alcohol, let’s just say, the car sickness was pretty bad. Yet, I was trying not to look bad in front of this guy, so even with everything spinning, I tried to play it cool. Yet, alcohol makes that hard to do, especially when you can feel it coming back for revenge.

Without much time left, I asked him to pull over. Yet, it feel on deaf ears. He didn’t hear me because the radio was up to loud. I rolled down the window to get some air. That did nothing. I asked again, but a drunk often times has a slow reaction time. I did the only thing that I could do… I rolled down the window and aimed.

I am pretty sure he didn’t even notice. He was concentrating too hard on his driving. We got back to his house and I surveyed the damage without him noticing. I puked all along the whole side of his car. He never even noticed. We went into the house and both passed out.

I woke up the next morning, freaking out because I didn’t remember where I was. I am pretty sure it could have been alcohol poisoning. I jumped in my car and never looked back. I never talked to the guy again. I am pretty sure it was due to the Drive-by Puking.

Another episode of Drive-by Puking was birthday related. Again, I am the main character. Now, just to get this straight, I am not that big of a drinker. Which probably explains my constant inability to keep the alcohol down.

My husband and I got a babysitter for the night and decided to hang out with a few friends for a birthday celebration. We went to a comedy club… I had a few… he stayed sober. After all, he was the designated driver! Smarter this time.

Afterwards, we all met up again at a local Applebees. I am not really sure why we went there; after all, the drinks are typically more expensive. Yet, I was the birthday girl, so most of my drinks were free. So I had a drink, followed by a shot, followed by another shot, followed by a drink, followed by more and more and more!

Needless to say, by the time we left, I had pledged my undying love to each and every one of my friends, a few strangers, and some lonely stick sitting by itself in the parking lot. I was feeling pretty happy… until we got in the car.

Now, I have never claimed my husband to be a good driver, yet at this time, he seemed to be all over the road. Not that I had any concept of it, since I am pretty sure my head was the one rolling from side to side, which caused the illusion of not driving in a straight line.

I kept telling him to slow down; he kept telling me he was only going speed limit. I kept asking him why he was going in circles; he kept telling me he wasn’t. Finally, he went around a corner and I just about lost it.

“Why do you feel the need to go around those corners so fast? You are going to make me sick!”

Of course, by this time, my drunkenness was downright hilarious to him. I was singing, I was crying, I was laughing and I definitely wasn’t making any sense. Because he thought it was funny, he whipped around the next corner on purpose. I opened up the car door and barfed!

Once again, another Drive-by Puking under my belt!

I don’t remember much after that!

These are a few of my own stories. I remember drinking a lot when I was younger, but these days, the alcohol doesn’t intoxicate me like it used to. I have grown older and wiser. I just don’t drink to the point of Drive-By Puking anymore. I don’t think it is fun. I don’t think it is worth the hangover the next day.

I have also seen many other people who probably have similar stories. I guess that makes me feel better because I know I am not alone. I could tell some of their stories here as well, but, for fear of them forcing alcohol down my throat (to cause another Drive-By Puking scene), I will leave their names and their stories out of it. However, if you have a Drive-By Puking story you would like to share, feel free to leave it in the comment section below. I look forward to hearing your disgusting stories as well!

Disclaimer: Due to the graphic nature of this topic, parental advisory is suggested. To drink to the point of a Drive-By Puking is not encouraged. In fact, drinking can be dangerous. And even though some of the actions that are caused by drinking can be funny at the time, we must realize this is a drug and should be used wisely. I do not encourage drinking and I definitely don’t tolerate drunk driving. While these stories may be funny, there is a serious lesson to be learned. Drinking too much alcohol can cause you to make a fool of yourself. More seriously, it can be dangerous to you and others. If you must drink, do so wisely. And if you are sober, make sure you carry your camera with you! Oh yeah - and watch out for the Drive-By Pukers. I would hate for you to become the very next victim!